I still have a lot to learn...

I’m only 24 and I have two kids who make my world go round. I have a husband who has treated me like a princess ever since I met him. Sounds like a dream, right? I am so grateful for my circumstances and I am so grateful for my husband and babies. My heart truly goes out to the women struggling with having their own children. However, my life is not peaches and cream. It’s a real life.

One of the worst feelings I have experienced in my life, as a mother, is having everything you wanted since you were a little girl and not feeling grateful. Feeling numb. I would tell myself how horrible of a person I was for not being grateful and would constantly ask myself, “What’s wrong with you?” I felt crazy and I had no idea what was going on with me. I knew how lucky I was to have Zach, but I didn't feel whole.

I miscarried before my first child at 10 weeks on Christmas day 4 years ago, but after 2 weeks of netflix and cuddling with Zach, I was fine. I got pregnant very soon after that. Hudson was born and when I held him for the first time, I cried. I always wanted to be a mother. I always wanted to have my own babies. I didn’t know how hard learning to breastfeed would be and I couldn’t relax for the life of me to do so. However, after two weeks of trial and error (and tears), I was able to breastfeed Hudson until he was 13 months old.

It wasn’t until Hudson was almost a year old that I had accepted and realized I had postpartum depression (anxiety can be thrown in there too!!!). I feel like it’s a concept that is so hard to understand unless you have gone through it. Hudson made me smile and so did my husband, but I felt empty and I felt numb. 

I was ultra-sensitive and lost my self-esteem. I got offended right and left and believed everyone was out to hurt me. I didn’t trust anyone and I resented most people who I thought weren’t showing kindness. My world turned upside-down when it came to my social life. I grew up always having good friends and being outgoing. I could make friends with almost anyone! I love socializing and learning about others. I was always happy and an optimistic person. Then I moved to a different state where I knew no one besides my husband.

I had no friends and I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. People wrongfully disliked me. Why can’t people just be extra friendly? Why is everyone so rude here? These were just some of my thoughts during this dark time. And all these thoughts were NOT TRUE! These were all symptoms of my depression and anxiety.

But you wouldn’t even know it. Some of my friends might be surprised by this. Hudson was so cute and made me smile. I was supposed to be perfectly happy because my life was good!

I tried getting help and it helped a little. I was so numb that the desire to pray was not there, but I found myself still praying to stop feeling this way. I tried medication and two different counselors. They helped a little but not enough. Exercise helped a little bit too.

I got pregnant with James and I was so excited to have another baby! I missed that newborn stage and this time I knew what I was doing! In just a few months I found myself crying everyday and feeling down. I was so ashamed to admit I was depressed again. James is so worth the tears I had because he makes me smile every single day.

But I will go through hell again to have another child and another. That’s how much this calling means to me and that’s how much I love being a mother.

I’m still young and I’m still learning a lot. If you are in a difficult time right now, hang on because I promise there is a light behind the dark clouds. You will overcome this and you can be truly happy again!

I now am able to find joy in the small things like I used to! I’m also just so so grateful to feel grateful again!! I was able to find help, exercise, eat much healthier and strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I cannot even thank my husband enough for loving me through my worst. I've also become a lover in self-help books haha. I'm still a work in progress and regress some days, but I have seen the light that I'm not as fearful that I wont't see it again on those hard days.

Please, if you are going through something similar, seek help, exercise, eat healthier and especially try your hardest to love others. Don’t make the same mistakes I did, because people aren’t trying to hurt you. There are others out there ready to love you. Your Heavenly Father loves you and that’s what ultimately matters. You are way more than enough! Don't give in to the lies that are just symptoms of anxiety and/or depression.

For anyone who cannot relate, we all have our thing. We all struggle. Withhold judgment upon those who even look like they have a better life than you. They struggle too. We all do at different times and these things humble us and help us become more compassionate.

I ask everyone to try and smile more to the strangers around you.

My favorite scripture from high school still remains, Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

xoxo